10 Things To Do In Kansas City Just Like the Locals

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We’ve all seen those articles online about doing things “like the locals” and we all buy the bull shit that those articles feed us. I mean, say you’re travelling to Philly for the weekend, you check out all of these lists and think “Wow! This sounds EXACTLY like things Philly-peeps would do! I’m going to do them!”. When we see the articles related to our city, though, we read it and scoff and realize it’s just an ad for the touristy spots. Well, I’m here to help you visit Kansas City and live like a local for the weekend. Let me be your KC guide. … I promise I won’t say that again. Okay, maybe just once more.

1. I-435

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You aren’t living like a Kansas Citian (yes?) until you’ve experienced rush hour traffic on I-435 or I-35. So on your way in on Friday (because you’re spending a weekend in KC, of course) just aim for the 4:45-6pm time slot and you’ll get to sit in the steamy car fumes. If you’re lucky, you’ll get stuck closer to downtown or the Country Club Plaza area and get a nice whiff of hot garbage. Yum! Don’t forget to throw up the bird every once in a while and passive-aggressively cut off the person who cut you off earlier.

2. Fountains

While you’re in the car, might as well drive around KC looking at all the fountains! Let’s start at the Plaza, but wait! There’s a sale at H&M and God knows there’s no H&M’s around where you live, so let’s go on and spend all of your extra ‘souvenir cash’ on cheap clothes and plastic jewelry. By the time you’re done, it’s too dark to see the fountains, so let’s grab a bite at Panera Bread because you’re too tired to wait an hour and a half for a seat to open at Buca di Beppo. You also need a good night’s sleep! There are so many things to do tomorrow!

3. Farmer’s Market

It has been told that KC has great farmer’s markets, especially since so many people are eating organic now, so plan on heading down to City Market and maybe try to stop by the Overland Park farmer’s market later after your 5K (don’t worry, I’ll get to that). Once in City Market, you actually buy some groceries and little knick knacks from the parking lot-wide garage sale…whoops, I mean “vintage sale”, but ultimately end up driving halfway across town (aproox. 45 minutes) to go to Whole Foods. After shopping, don’t forget to stop by the Opera House or The Farmhouse for breakfast and coffee. DO NOT go to Starbucks for coffee. Hipsters have worked WAY too hard on making dumpy coffee shops super “unpopular” (which equals popular to them) to have visitors go to mainstream coffee places.

4. 5K 

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In order to live like a true KC resident, you should be super hungover on this day from drinking WAY too much by yourself the night before. You can choose whatever 5K you’d like to do. I think obstacle races are making their way to the top popular spot in KC, so do one of those. Wake up at about 7am in order to get to your race at 8am. You already picked up your packet the day before. Oh! Don’t forget the tulle tutu you made the night before or your ironic banana costume. Tell yourself you’ll run it, go ahead, tell yourself you won’t feel like you’re dying and wish you hadn’t drank the entire night and went to bed at 3am. This is what we do. KC people LOVE rubbing it in other’s faces that they have done 6,723 5Ks and are training for a half marathon. You end up walking it anyway, though, because walking is healthier than running anyway.

5. Boulevard Tour

You plan a Boulevard Tour and you’ve heard that you need to get there early to get the free tickets. By the time you get there after your race, though, you find out that all of the free tickets are gone by the vultures who show up at 3am to get FREE tickets…. FREE, people! Come on! Plus, you’ve freakin’ toured this stupid brewery 50 times before! I know you’re just on that tour reciting lines with the tour guide! Okay, I’m rambling. Anyway, it’s okay, you know how the brewing process works anyway, so you’re fine to forgo this little adventure. Plus, you’ll have more beer than you know what to do with soon!

6. Beer Fest

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That’s right. We (us KC-nites… that’s not right either, is it?) LOVE beer fests! These are by far our favorite weekend activity, besides complaining about our extremely hot temperatures (or cold/snowy dependent on which season you’re traveling in). Drop $60 if you want the VIP treatment (early entrance and free food…. yes, worth it) or $30 for general admission, but seriously, getting in early to a beer fest is the equivalent of you being the lioness who takes down the gazelle – you get the choicest bits and first choice. This beer fest is a chance for you try out our local beers and find out which ones you like, but instead you get super trashed and can’t distinguish different tastes anymore.

7. Sports

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Now that you’re good and trashed, get a cab (ya, it’ll cost out the asshole but you’re trashed! You’d NEVER think about driving under the influence…) and head to the field! You get to choose which team you want to watch lose, unless you decide to go to Sporting Park, where you’ll see our team win. At the Speedway… well, you’re on your own, we say we go here, but we actually don’t know what goes on out there for real. Don’t forget to pack a lot of beer and hang out in the parking lot until about 4th quarter, then go in and complain about the lines for beer and the prices. Don’t forget to pick up a Royal’s shirt that you can’t find anywhere else!

8. Brewery Opening

Plan on attending a brewery opening, there’s usually always one happening; some home brewer FINALLY figured out how to make a tolerable lager and found an old record store in which to sell his brews out of. You may actually end up here, in which case, congratulations! Not many Kansas City dwellers actually make it to the opening, we go a couple weeks after when the crowds aren’t as bad. The night of our planned opening, we usually just end up going to Power and Light and throw snotty looks at the idiotic girls who are wearing skimpy skirts in the winter.

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9. Nelson Atkin’s Museum

Everyone goes to the Nelson. This isn’t just a tourist trap that is never-changing. The Nelson always has new attractions and exhibits. That’s not the main reason to go here though. It’s probably the biggest patch of grass you are allowed to be on in the “good parts” of the city. So go there, take a nap, take a picture with the Shuttlecocks (which I regret to say I still have yet to do), and maybe fly a kite.

10. BBQ

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Kansas City is SO PROUD of the BBQ. It’s sweeter than Texas, so you really can’t compare. Some people like sweet BBQ, some people like smoky, neither is right or wrong. So, even if you’re from Texas, come try our BBQ. Everyone tells you to try OK Joe’s barbecue, but only the kind from the gas station, which is a weird thing to say to someone who doesn’t know… the first OK Joe’s was served out of a gas station and is said to be the best. Once you see the line, though, well…. you just go to Jack Stack or Gate’s or Arthur Bryant’s and enjoy it a lot but still dream that OK Joe’s is probably so much better and would be orgasmic but you can’t even attempt to dream of what it tastes like because the line is just too long to wait even though you HAVE to go at some point in your life…
Ya, I like Arthur Bryant’s, go there.

Andddd that’s how you experience KC like a local. Don’t forget to swear a lot, skip your mustache trimming, and wear your best thick-rimmed glasses.

By the way, don’t forget to bring your bicycle. That should have been your mode of transportation this entire time anyway! Well, except during rush hour; you wouldn’t have lived.

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See you in KC!

 

 

 

 

 

How To: Throw an Anti-Valentine’s Day Party

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Ahh… the bittersweet Valentine’s Day is back. The Internet will be a flurry of posts ranging from “OHMG U GUYS! I LUV MAH BAE – LET ME TELL U HOW GR8 HE IS” to “Valentine’s Day is a commercialized holiday that I do not care to (can’t) indulge in because I do not feel the need to hollow out one specific day in which I shower loved ones in overpriced gifts. Even if I had a specific person I’ve decided to dote on, I wouldn’t do it anyway….I HATE BEING SINGLE SO MUCH, SOMEONE SAVE ME”. On one hand, these posts get pretty funny; they are even funnier when the two types of people actually converse, but I like to spend my holiday with others who feel the same way as I do:

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So if you don’t want to end up like this on V-Day:

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Follow these simple steps to throwing a freakishly awesome Anti-V Day Party!

1. Name Your Bash!
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Something cool, preferably. We’ve all heard of those “Anti-Valentine’s Day Bash” or “Singles Awareness Day”, but I’m sure the Internet can prove itself once again and think up better names, right Internet?….Hello?
Some I found/came up with/will take credit for anyway: Single Flingle, Table For One, Schmalentine’s Day, F(uck/orget) A(ll) C(ouples) Day, Drink to Me Party, All About Me Day

2. Set the Date
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Who says you can’t throw an Anti-V Day party on V Day? I think this is the best choice (unless it’s NOT on a weekend, because I’m 24… I’m planning on drinking to be done… A lot of it). Your single friends don’t have shit to do… You don’t have shit to do… This is the best time. Hands Down.

3. Decorate
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Black.
Black streamers. Black Crepe (is THAT what it’s called? … ) Paper. Black Hearts.
Actually, whatever you want; this is a day of breaking the rules… So why are you following these rules?
Throw blood on the walls for all I care, I’m not in charge of your stupid party.

4. Music
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Seriously. Why is this even a step? We all know you’re just going to put “Single Ladies” by Beyonce on repeat.

Or pretty much anything by Taylor Swift.

5. Food and Drink
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Probably the most important step. You’re going to need alcohol. A lot of it.

And with alcohol you’ll need food.

The remedy for both of these is a quick Google Search for anything that says “Anti-Valentine’s Day recipe” OR you can just add black food coloring to EVERYTHING.
Or try out Stupid Cupid Cocktails, if you want to get fancy.

http://madtini.com/anti-valentine-cocktail-stupid-cupid/

6. Send the Invites
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When I say “Send the Invites”, we all know you won’t be mailing anyone any “snail mail”, so get your happy ass on Facebook and create your event and invite only SINGLE friends*.

*If you do want to invite your relationship-burdened friends, make them wear something incredibly embarrassing (i.e. penis necklace, penis name tag) pretty much anything to make them stand out in a negative way. Hey, it’s their own fault!

7. The Party
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Sit back and let it go. Play drinking games. Watch a movie. Play drinking games.

It’s your party. Who cares what your friends think???
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But really, go to a bar. We all know you were setting up a pre-game anyway.

 

Setting Up For a Night of Drinking Alone (Home version)

Drinking. 

Show me someone who doesn’t love drinking and I’ll show you someone who is a liar (or a recovering alcoholic, in which case, I’m very sorry and congrats on your sobriety!). 

I’m a person who loves drinking. I’m not unhealthy about it, of course (only sometimes), but I enjoy a good drink and/or buzz now and again. Sometimes I just don’t want to leave my house, though; social interactions… mehhhhh, driving from the bars… meh, paying $2-$14 per drink… meh, drinking alone at bars (which I should do a how-to guide for that as well, easier if you’re a lady), going out when it’s -10 degrees outside…no fucking way in hell. So why not drink at home alone? 

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(or if you have a dog, drink with it! This is not my dog, if it were, he wouldn’t be so harshly judging me)

 

Anyway, I’d like to divulge my secrets of spending the night drinking at home alone. Here it goes:

 

1. Recruit Friends (optional)

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Cheesy? Yes. Do I regret it? No.

If you don’t want to seem like a lonely drunk (honestly, who’s there to judge?) then go ahead, recruit a friend or two and download the iPhone app “Heads Up!” (It costs $0.99 but totally worth it. Caution: will cause laughter). 

 

2. Set the Mood

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Woo Yourself

This night is all about you. No one else (unless you chose to go through with Step 1, but it’s still about you anyway). Put on your favorite genre of music or favorite song on repeat (because no one is there to bitch that you’ve listened to “Turn Me On” by Norah Jones for the 15th time in a row). If you don’t want to listen to music, go ahead and put on your favorite go-to movie, it doesn’t matter that you’ve watch Love Actually 6 times in the past 2 days or that you’re on your 10th straight hour of watching New Girl reruns (because you only have Netflix and that sonofabitch staff won’t add more episodes…Just kidding Netflix Gods, I love you, all hail you). For tonight, we’re going for an IDGAF (I think that’s the correct acronym) setting. If you do choose a movie, you can skip some steps, just choose which ones pertain to your evening, or you can even start out your night watching a movie and then switch it up to listening to music. Your night, your choice, your business.

 

3. Turn off Electronics

This does not include the TV/Computer from which your playing music/movie/porn (I don’t judge). But turn off your phone. I hate that we are so addicted to technology, yes, I’m being a straight up hypocrite. I check in on Yelp! all of the time, I upload pictures to Facebook the second I take them, I bitch to my friends until they’ve put up the pictures they took 2 minutes prior. But, in the words of Ghandi (or Buddha, or some other kick ass person/God-thing) “Accept the things you cannot change”. But when I drink at home, I like to either turn my phone off, or make sure the texts/notifications sounds are off and put it in another room. You can get distracted easily with the phone and end up not even being alone at all!

 

4. Fix Yourself a Drink!

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If you haven’t watch YDAD on Youtube… do it.

This is by far the most important step. Hopefully you’ve already gone to the store, I decided to forgo that step because if you’re reading this, you have enough alcohol in your home already or you’re a person who prepares. BUT if you haven’t any alcohol, GO GET SOME! Jesus! do you do need my help to do everything?!

My go-to when I’m alone is a nice Mimosa (champagne and OJ < not Simpson, I don’t want to be killed). The main reason I enjoy these when I’m drinking alone is because I like popping the cork. It’s like a short celebration of you… and it frightens the neighbors, which is a plus for me. 

Or go all out and try to make your own cocktail! Go to www.youtube.com/user/YouDeserveADrink or www.youtube.com/user/TipsyBartender?feature=watch Both channels are funny AND teach you how to make cool drinks!

 

5. Get To It!

Begin your evening of “You”. What I like to do when I’m alone and watching movies is play games. Find a drinking game for the movie you’re watching:

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Or go with the classic:

Movie Mustache Drinking game

http://www.buzzfeed.com/stacylambe/is-this-the-best-drinking-game-ever

 

Above all, remember: This night is YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. 

Don’t be afraid to be selfish. 

In the words of Kirsten Dunst in The Bachelorette, 

 

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Happy Drinking!

Why Guys Make us Fat

Honestly, I’ve figured it out:

Guys Make Us Fat

And when I say “Us”, I’m just going to go with everyone who is attracted to men; so it could be women, gay men, bisexual men (well, maybe not bi’s because they have more of a variety of options than straight women or gay men).

Anyway, I’m using knowledge from past personal experiences, some scientific studies, and, most informative, the internet. So, here it goes…

Men (generally and stereotypically speaking, of course) are demanding and outrageously confusing. If you know what men mean when they speak or what they are thinking when they act upon whatever is going on in their head… then you are a dude (or a lesbian or a wizard), so if you’re here to disagree with me, I don’t trust you anyway (well, maybe if you’re a lesbian, I trust other girls, no matter their sexual preference), so you’re opinion is moot.

I have two reasons how they make us fat: they make us happy/elated (positive stimulus), they make us sad/mad (negative stimulus).

Positive Stimuli: If you’re in a relationship, you become comfortable with your beau, therefore maybe forgiving yourself too easily for skipping the gym. Now that you aren’t peacocking for the opposite (or same) sex, you don’t have to worry as much about your body, because you’ve attracted who you wanted and now you have them, so why work as hard? Also, I’ve come to find out, if you liked to snack when you’re single, you usually start dating someone who likes to snack as well… well, you know where this is going: snack heaven and muffin tops (no, not the food, I’m talking about the body part, and for those of you who don’t know what a muffin top is: you’re either in denial or you probably don’t have to worry about it. For those of you who don’t have anything in common with a baked good, I’ll help with a description: it’s a tube of fat that goes around your belly, not quite a FUPA [which is something completely different, UrbanDictionary it]. It circles your body and feeds off criticism and insults). Let me make a quick point: Just because you’re comfortable in your relationship and MAY be getting chunky, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, it’s a beautiful thing! Unless you end up like Roseanne and her husband or looking like MiMi from the Drew Carey show, that’s when you should start to worry.

If you are single, you are out and about “looking” for that “special someone” (the quotation marks are on purpose, yes), you’re usually out at the bar (yes, I’m counting this as a positive stimuli, because… who doesn’t like going out?), do you know how many empty calories we end up drinking each weekend? Or even if we aren’t drinking much, we are going on dates with guys; popcorn at movies, burgers (or salads… haha!) at restaurants, a cocktail at the bar, a shot before he gets there… what? You don’t do that? Well, don’t judge.

Negative Stimuli: This one is so easy, I probably don’t even have to write about it… What the hell….
If you’re in a relationship OR single, Guys FRUSTRATE us! They piss us off or make us sad, they reject us, stand us up, don’t get the right brand of tampons, whatever the reason, they just hurt us, whether it be reasonable or not. When women get frustrated we eat and drink or, in most cases, do both. This is the simplest one.

I know there may be other reasons as to why we get bigger in the waist: genes, thyroids, food, alcohol…

But I think we can all agree that it’d be better to get it over with and blame it on guys and for the guys out there: I think you should go ahead and just admit fault. While we’re on the subject…Guys… admit to everything, or just agree, you will never win. Just sayin’.

 

#1 Favorite Commercial: Wheat Thins

#2 Favorite Commercial: Sonic Cheap Date

#3 Favorite Commercial: Passat Car