How To: Throw an Anti-Valentine’s Day Party

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Ahh… the bittersweet Valentine’s Day is back. The Internet will be a flurry of posts ranging from “OHMG U GUYS! I LUV MAH BAE – LET ME TELL U HOW GR8 HE IS” to “Valentine’s Day is a commercialized holiday that I do not care to (can’t) indulge in because I do not feel the need to hollow out one specific day in which I shower loved ones in overpriced gifts. Even if I had a specific person I’ve decided to dote on, I wouldn’t do it anyway….I HATE BEING SINGLE SO MUCH, SOMEONE SAVE ME”. On one hand, these posts get pretty funny; they are even funnier when the two types of people actually converse, but I like to spend my holiday with others who feel the same way as I do:

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So if you don’t want to end up like this on V-Day:

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Follow these simple steps to throwing a freakishly awesome Anti-V Day Party!

1. Name Your Bash!
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Something cool, preferably. We’ve all heard of those “Anti-Valentine’s Day Bash” or “Singles Awareness Day”, but I’m sure the Internet can prove itself once again and think up better names, right Internet?….Hello?
Some I found/came up with/will take credit for anyway: Single Flingle, Table For One, Schmalentine’s Day, F(uck/orget) A(ll) C(ouples) Day, Drink to Me Party, All About Me Day

2. Set the Date
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Who says you can’t throw an Anti-V Day party on V Day? I think this is the best choice (unless it’s NOT on a weekend, because I’m 24… I’m planning on drinking to be done… A lot of it). Your single friends don’t have shit to do… You don’t have shit to do… This is the best time. Hands Down.

3. Decorate
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Black.
Black streamers. Black Crepe (is THAT what it’s called? … ) Paper. Black Hearts.
Actually, whatever you want; this is a day of breaking the rules… So why are you following these rules?
Throw blood on the walls for all I care, I’m not in charge of your stupid party.

4. Music
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Seriously. Why is this even a step? We all know you’re just going to put “Single Ladies” by Beyonce on repeat.

Or pretty much anything by Taylor Swift.

5. Food and Drink
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Probably the most important step. You’re going to need alcohol. A lot of it.

And with alcohol you’ll need food.

The remedy for both of these is a quick Google Search for anything that says “Anti-Valentine’s Day recipe” OR you can just add black food coloring to EVERYTHING.
Or try out Stupid Cupid Cocktails, if you want to get fancy.

http://madtini.com/anti-valentine-cocktail-stupid-cupid/

6. Send the Invites
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When I say “Send the Invites”, we all know you won’t be mailing anyone any “snail mail”, so get your happy ass on Facebook and create your event and invite only SINGLE friends*.

*If you do want to invite your relationship-burdened friends, make them wear something incredibly embarrassing (i.e. penis necklace, penis name tag) pretty much anything to make them stand out in a negative way. Hey, it’s their own fault!

7. The Party
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Sit back and let it go. Play drinking games. Watch a movie. Play drinking games.

It’s your party. Who cares what your friends think???
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But really, go to a bar. We all know you were setting up a pre-game anyway.

 

Setting Up For a Night of Drinking Alone (Home version)

Drinking. 

Show me someone who doesn’t love drinking and I’ll show you someone who is a liar (or a recovering alcoholic, in which case, I’m very sorry and congrats on your sobriety!). 

I’m a person who loves drinking. I’m not unhealthy about it, of course (only sometimes), but I enjoy a good drink and/or buzz now and again. Sometimes I just don’t want to leave my house, though; social interactions… mehhhhh, driving from the bars… meh, paying $2-$14 per drink… meh, drinking alone at bars (which I should do a how-to guide for that as well, easier if you’re a lady), going out when it’s -10 degrees outside…no fucking way in hell. So why not drink at home alone? 

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(or if you have a dog, drink with it! This is not my dog, if it were, he wouldn’t be so harshly judging me)

 

Anyway, I’d like to divulge my secrets of spending the night drinking at home alone. Here it goes:

 

1. Recruit Friends (optional)

Friends

Cheesy? Yes. Do I regret it? No.

If you don’t want to seem like a lonely drunk (honestly, who’s there to judge?) then go ahead, recruit a friend or two and download the iPhone app “Heads Up!” (It costs $0.99 but totally worth it. Caution: will cause laughter). 

 

2. Set the Mood

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Woo Yourself

This night is all about you. No one else (unless you chose to go through with Step 1, but it’s still about you anyway). Put on your favorite genre of music or favorite song on repeat (because no one is there to bitch that you’ve listened to “Turn Me On” by Norah Jones for the 15th time in a row). If you don’t want to listen to music, go ahead and put on your favorite go-to movie, it doesn’t matter that you’ve watch Love Actually 6 times in the past 2 days or that you’re on your 10th straight hour of watching New Girl reruns (because you only have Netflix and that sonofabitch staff won’t add more episodes…Just kidding Netflix Gods, I love you, all hail you). For tonight, we’re going for an IDGAF (I think that’s the correct acronym) setting. If you do choose a movie, you can skip some steps, just choose which ones pertain to your evening, or you can even start out your night watching a movie and then switch it up to listening to music. Your night, your choice, your business.

 

3. Turn off Electronics

This does not include the TV/Computer from which your playing music/movie/porn (I don’t judge). But turn off your phone. I hate that we are so addicted to technology, yes, I’m being a straight up hypocrite. I check in on Yelp! all of the time, I upload pictures to Facebook the second I take them, I bitch to my friends until they’ve put up the pictures they took 2 minutes prior. But, in the words of Ghandi (or Buddha, or some other kick ass person/God-thing) “Accept the things you cannot change”. But when I drink at home, I like to either turn my phone off, or make sure the texts/notifications sounds are off and put it in another room. You can get distracted easily with the phone and end up not even being alone at all!

 

4. Fix Yourself a Drink!

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If you haven’t watch YDAD on Youtube… do it.

This is by far the most important step. Hopefully you’ve already gone to the store, I decided to forgo that step because if you’re reading this, you have enough alcohol in your home already or you’re a person who prepares. BUT if you haven’t any alcohol, GO GET SOME! Jesus! do you do need my help to do everything?!

My go-to when I’m alone is a nice Mimosa (champagne and OJ < not Simpson, I don’t want to be killed). The main reason I enjoy these when I’m drinking alone is because I like popping the cork. It’s like a short celebration of you… and it frightens the neighbors, which is a plus for me. 

Or go all out and try to make your own cocktail! Go to www.youtube.com/user/YouDeserveADrink or www.youtube.com/user/TipsyBartender?feature=watch Both channels are funny AND teach you how to make cool drinks!

 

5. Get To It!

Begin your evening of “You”. What I like to do when I’m alone and watching movies is play games. Find a drinking game for the movie you’re watching:

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Buzzfeed

Or go with the classic:

Movie Mustache Drinking game

http://www.buzzfeed.com/stacylambe/is-this-the-best-drinking-game-ever

 

Above all, remember: This night is YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU. 

Don’t be afraid to be selfish. 

In the words of Kirsten Dunst in The Bachelorette, 

 

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Happy Drinking!

Why Guys Make us Fat

Honestly, I’ve figured it out:

Guys Make Us Fat

And when I say “Us”, I’m just going to go with everyone who is attracted to men; so it could be women, gay men, bisexual men (well, maybe not bi’s because they have more of a variety of options than straight women or gay men).

Anyway, I’m using knowledge from past personal experiences, some scientific studies, and, most informative, the internet. So, here it goes…

Men (generally and stereotypically speaking, of course) are demanding and outrageously confusing. If you know what men mean when they speak or what they are thinking when they act upon whatever is going on in their head… then you are a dude (or a lesbian or a wizard), so if you’re here to disagree with me, I don’t trust you anyway (well, maybe if you’re a lesbian, I trust other girls, no matter their sexual preference), so you’re opinion is moot.

I have two reasons how they make us fat: they make us happy/elated (positive stimulus), they make us sad/mad (negative stimulus).

Positive Stimuli: If you’re in a relationship, you become comfortable with your beau, therefore maybe forgiving yourself too easily for skipping the gym. Now that you aren’t peacocking for the opposite (or same) sex, you don’t have to worry as much about your body, because you’ve attracted who you wanted and now you have them, so why work as hard? Also, I’ve come to find out, if you liked to snack when you’re single, you usually start dating someone who likes to snack as well… well, you know where this is going: snack heaven and muffin tops (no, not the food, I’m talking about the body part, and for those of you who don’t know what a muffin top is: you’re either in denial or you probably don’t have to worry about it. For those of you who don’t have anything in common with a baked good, I’ll help with a description: it’s a tube of fat that goes around your belly, not quite a FUPA [which is something completely different, UrbanDictionary it]. It circles your body and feeds off criticism and insults). Let me make a quick point: Just because you’re comfortable in your relationship and MAY be getting chunky, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, it’s a beautiful thing! Unless you end up like Roseanne and her husband or looking like MiMi from the Drew Carey show, that’s when you should start to worry.

If you are single, you are out and about “looking” for that “special someone” (the quotation marks are on purpose, yes), you’re usually out at the bar (yes, I’m counting this as a positive stimuli, because… who doesn’t like going out?), do you know how many empty calories we end up drinking each weekend? Or even if we aren’t drinking much, we are going on dates with guys; popcorn at movies, burgers (or salads… haha!) at restaurants, a cocktail at the bar, a shot before he gets there… what? You don’t do that? Well, don’t judge.

Negative Stimuli: This one is so easy, I probably don’t even have to write about it… What the hell….
If you’re in a relationship OR single, Guys FRUSTRATE us! They piss us off or make us sad, they reject us, stand us up, don’t get the right brand of tampons, whatever the reason, they just hurt us, whether it be reasonable or not. When women get frustrated we eat and drink or, in most cases, do both. This is the simplest one.

I know there may be other reasons as to why we get bigger in the waist: genes, thyroids, food, alcohol…

But I think we can all agree that it’d be better to get it over with and blame it on guys and for the guys out there: I think you should go ahead and just admit fault. While we’re on the subject…Guys… admit to everything, or just agree, you will never win. Just sayin’.

 

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