Ahh… the bittersweet Valentine’s Day is back. The Internet will be a flurry of posts ranging from “OHMG U GUYS! I LUV MAH BAE – LET ME TELL U HOW GR8 HE IS” to “Valentine’s Day is a commercialized holiday that I do not care to (can’t) indulge in because I do not feel the need to hollow out one specific day in which I shower loved ones in overpriced gifts. Even if I had a specific person I’ve decided to dote on, I wouldn’t do it anyway….I HATE BEING SINGLE SO MUCH, SOMEONE SAVE ME”. On one hand, these posts get pretty funny; they are even funnier when the two types of people actually converse, but I like to spend my holiday with others who feel the same way as I do:
So if you don’t want to end up like this on V-Day:
Follow these simple steps to throwing a freakishly awesome Anti-V Day Party!
1. Name Your Bash!
Something cool, preferably. We’ve all heard of those “Anti-Valentine’s Day Bash” or “Singles Awareness Day”, but I’m sure the Internet can prove itself once again and think up better names, right Internet?….Hello?
Some I found/came up with/will take credit for anyway: Single Flingle, Table For One, Schmalentine’s Day, F(uck/orget) A(ll) C(ouples) Day, Drink to Me Party, All About Me Day
Who says you can’t throw an Anti-V Day party on V Day? I think this is the best choice (unless it’s NOT on a weekend, because I’m 24… I’m planning on drinking to be done… A lot of it). Your single friends don’t have shit to do… You don’t have shit to do… This is the best time. Hands Down.
Black streamers. Black Crepe (is THAT what it’s called? … ) Paper. Black Hearts.
Actually, whatever you want; this is a day of breaking the rules… So why are you following these rules?
Throw blood on the walls for all I care, I’m not in charge of your stupid party.
Seriously. Why is this even a step? We all know you’re just going to put “Single Ladies” by Beyonce on repeat.
Or pretty much anything by Taylor Swift.
Probably the most important step. You’re going to need alcohol. A lot of it.
And with alcohol you’ll need food.
The remedy for both of these is a quick Google Search for anything that says “Anti-Valentine’s Day recipe” OR you can just add black food coloring to EVERYTHING.
Or try out Stupid Cupid Cocktails, if you want to get fancy.
When I say “Send the Invites”, we all know you won’t be mailing anyone any “snail mail”, so get your happy ass on Facebook and create your event and invite only SINGLE friends*.
*If you do want to invite your relationship-burdened friends, make them wear something incredibly embarrassing (i.e. penis necklace, penis name tag) pretty much anything to make them stand out in a negative way. Hey, it’s their own fault!
Sit back and let it go. Play drinking games. Watch a movie. Play drinking games.
But really, go to a bar. We all know you were setting up a pre-game anyway.